so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
Well five day drinking adventure in appreciation of cinco de drinko under the belt, great way to start may
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
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