she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
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