I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
