Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
What's your opinion on eating ass? Just looking for a yes or no
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
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