My room smells like vodka and shame
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
