I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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