they had a keg party to fund her abortion.
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
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