Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
Randomize
