Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
meet me or not, i'm out of control
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Randomize
