Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
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