grinding to god bless the USA? really?
shut up
I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
Randomize
