Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
Romer got arrested for getting in a bar fight with a bus boy because he was trying to steal a keg, had it all the way to the car
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
i now understand why vodka
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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