I haven't been this sober since birth.
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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