I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.
Don't you think facebook is a bit pretentious, suggesting friends and all? No facebook, I would NOT like to be friends with a girl whose fiancee I have slept with.
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
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