Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
I just blew my weed a kiss
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
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