I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
party at the soccer house. crumbs in my sexy panties. can't. put. pieces. together.
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize
