grandma shit on top of the toilet
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Randomize
