when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
Randomize
