sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
i just remember doing it on a pile of clothes while i heard the muffled sound of his friend laughing. then i realized we were in a closet.
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Randomize
