btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
He just screamed at her, "if you pass out i am still having sex with you!!!" In front of the entire party.
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
