Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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