that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
Success! We fucked roommates!
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Randomize
