oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
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