I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
Where is everybody?
It's pretty much split between the strip club and jail.
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