the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
We convinced her the game "just the tip" was a billiards game. She was asking a couple guys if they wanted to play as we left. I kinda don't want to ask her how the rest of the night went.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
Randomize
