He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
