i'm pissing behind 7/11. if you guys leave... i'll think it's funny too
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
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