I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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