capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
I pour the whiskey from now on
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
Randomize
