Its okay if i dont like him.his junk is just too good to resist.model penis,lame guy.
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
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