so I smoked with the leasing agent of the apartment complex. Of corse I am going to take this one
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
Randomize
