I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Randomize
