Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
Do you have any pics of the gummy penis incident?
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
Randomize
