OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
Free beer happened. I got hammered and aaron did his first keg stand. Then went all martha stewart on redecorating the bathroom. I remember being at walmart
What theme did he decide on for the bathroom?
Well as you know martha loves the northeast this time of year. I believe the theme was 'coney island' decorrated with hot dogs and macaroni
As soon as I saw the video camera and red light on, I started rolling my eyes when he would put it in me and telling him maybe his dick was too small cause I didn't feel anything...trust me that tape is going nowhere
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
the cops accepted 42 wallaby way Sydney. and the cops, and cab driver accepted the new address. please tell the win i am experiencing
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
