i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
I'm thinking of having one or both of my boobs out. They're small but they're mighty.
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
Guess who cheated on their SATs? Also on the same line guess who's getting in to Princeton at damn near free of charge?
Randomize
