Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
she looked like the before picture.
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
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