If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
Walk back down Church toward Mass Ave. Take a right and head for the guy in a kilt on top of the really tall unicycle. C u soon!
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
