i wish starbucks made bloody marys
you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
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