when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
areolas are like halos for boobs.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
If I'm going to risk life and limb to wear a Wings jersey to the Garden next week, the least they can do is win.
And the most would be ending up in bed with one of them.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
Randomize
