I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
Randomize
