i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
Come on the kid is gayer than me
Like the straightest thing he could do right now is take it up the butt
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
So what's going on?
We hit boys town to get stupid. I mean invading Iraq stupid.
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
Randomize
