He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
