i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
Does my surprise involve the use of a safe word?
Probably.
I'm in.
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
Randomize
