the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
Being the hot sister definately has advantages, I'm pretty sure I ruined her engagement
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
Randomize
