Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
No now hes going to beat me to our goal of getting someone to have sex in the library. I hate periods.
I don't know what to judge you more for.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize
