so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
thanks for letting me have sex in your bed, too bad you didn't get to yet
who are you?
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
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