The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
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