my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
can i drink enough to forget this semester even happened?
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
I have peed in a lot of sinks
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
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