He kissed a someone with a penis
so we were having anal, both very very drunk when he started shouting his roomates name
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
Randomize
