Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
I love flavors. My neighbour is owide smoking and so am I. I'm adio boooooored and I need an adult.
So were u tired or drunk when u wrote last night's text message?
pills.
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
I don't know. Sometimes you can be a wild card with your emotions. Mostly the emotion known as anger.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
Randomize
