my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
NEW INFORMATION meech found me passed out on a bench outside.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
Randomize
